
diss TSkBS 
Book, Z 9 Q fe 3 4? 
Copyright N° 



COPYRIGHT DEPOSIT. 



On the Sight>Seeing Car 



A Comedy Sketch in One Act 



BY 



ERNEST M. GOULD 




PHILADELPHIA 

THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

1909 



s 



\o\ 






Copyright 1909 py The Penn Publishing Company 




On the Sight-Seeing Car 



TMP92-009133 



On the Sight-Seeing Car 



CHARACTERS 

Superintendent, who needs help. 

-r\ ' \ wno nee d money. 

A Tramp, who pays fare with fire. 

A Jew, . . . who thinks one car is as good as another. 

A Farmer, who is particular about change. 

A Cripple, who was a big man once. 

A Fat Lady, who can't ride. 

A Fair Lady, who is a lady fare. 

Note. — All the parts may easily be taken by males; by 
doubling, the sketch can be easily given by four males, or 
three males and one female. 

Time in Playing : Forty-five minutes. 



COSTUMES 



Supkkintendent, Bill and Dan, ordinary street dress. 

The Tramp, Jew and Farmer, burlesque costumes. Jew 
wears long coat. 

The Fat Lady should t be very gaily dressed. 

The Fair Lady wears kii elaborate gown, with train, if 
possible; carries parasol, chatelaine bag, etc. She should 
wear striped stockings. 



PROPERTIES 

Paper for Superintendent. Very little coat for Dan ; 
very large one for Bill; candle for Bill. Horse's straw 
bonnet. Pair automobile goggles. Megaphone. Two tape 
measures in metal cases (the sort that are pulled out and re- 
coil in the case by a spring when released). Cigar for 
Tramp. Trick cigar for Tramp to give Bill (it contains a 
small firecracker). Cane and transfer ticket for Jew. Money 
for Fair Lady and Farmer. Firecrackers for Bill. 
Crutches for Cripple. 

Note. — Although an automobile is called for in this play, 
it is not at all necessary that a real machine be used. Only 
one side of the machine will show, and that at no time 
requires to be moved. A structure to represent this one 
side of an automobile can be easily made out of boards, 
pasteboard or even paper, and boxes, chairs or boards 
arranged behind same to give the effect of the seats and 
other unseen parts. On this structure are painted wheels, 
tires, etc., so that to the audience it appears as a real ma- 
chine, or a burlesque of a real machine. A sign on the side 
of car reads, " Sight-Seeing Car." When Bill puts his 
candle near the gasoline there should be an explosion. A 
very effective and safe way to manage this is to have a 
bunch of large firecrackers near a deep can (a milk can 
serves very well). Bill lights the fuse and drops the 
erackers into the can. The can is inside the car, behind 
the pasteboard front, and cannot be seen by the audience. 



On the Sight-Seeing Car 



SCENE. — Any square in any city. Automobile in back- 
ground. A bench like a public park seat stands either 
r. or l. Curtain discloses Superintendent, holding 
paper in hand. 

Supt. Well, wouldn't that jar you? This puts me in 
an awful fix. Here's a beautiful day, and there ought to 
be great business this morning. And here I find our best 
machine deserted, with this notice (holds up paper) tacked 
up on her, telling me there's a strike on. You can't run a 
sight-seeing automobile without a chauffeur and conductor. 
This car must run to-day, that's sure ; but how can I man- 
age it ? I stand to lose about fifty dollars if the car doesn't 
run, and just at this stage of the game I can't afford to lose 
fifty cents. If I could only get a couple of fellows to run 
this car just for to-day. 

{Enter Bill and Dan, r.) 

Bill. Hully gee, Dan, but I'm hungry. Where can we 
get a bite to eat ? 

Dan. Hungry? Didn't you lick the sweat off the res- 
taurant window this morning ? 

Supt. (aside). Perhaps I can use these two fellows. 
(Aloud.) What are you fellows doing around here ? 

Bill. Oh, nothing — just strolling about for our health. 
Lovely morning, isn't it? 

Dan. We are taking our usual morning walk. Charm- 
ing weather we're having. 

Supt. Say, you fellows, do you want a job? — Are you 
looking for work ? 

Bill. Not if we can get anything else to do. 

Supt. Well, perhaps I can give you something to do. 
But first I must know what experience you have had. Where 
did you work last ? 



6 ON THE SIGHT-SEEING CAR 

Bill. Dan, he wants to know where you worked last. 

Dan. No, he was talking to you. 

Bill. Oh, I only had a light job. 

Supt. What did you do ? 

Bill. I shoveled smoke in a feather foundry. 

Supt. Shoveled smoke in a feather foundry ? I should 
say that was a light job. {Turning to Dan.) What did 
you do ? 

Dan. I worked in a chow-chow factory. 

Supt. In a chow-chow factory ? What did you do in a 
chow-chow factory ? 

Dan. I shaved the warts off the pickles. 

Supt. Want a situation ? Are you married ? 

Bill. Is my clothes tore ? 

Dan. Any buttons off? 

Bill. 



I No, we ain't married. 



Bill (to Dan). Dan, you came pretty near getting 
married. 

Supt. How near ? 

Bill. He asked a girl to marry him and she said no. 

Supt. Do you fellows know anything about an auto ? 

^ ' I Oh, yes, we know all we ought to. 

Bill (with very important air). I took one apart once 
and put it together again, and when I got through I had 
four or five pieces left over. 

Dan. I bought some gasoline for a man who owned one 
once. 

Supt. Did you ever run one ? 

Bill. Yes, and got run in, too. 

Supt. What would you do if you were running a ma- 
chine and couldn't stop it ? 

Dan. I'd run it into a thick, quick, brick wall. 

Supt. What would you do if you were running a ma- 
chine and it broke down, far, far from a garage? 

Dan (mocking Supt.). Far, far from a garage. 

Bill. If the intake got taken in I would take it out agin. 

Dan. If the crank shaft got cranky I would "slap it on 
the wrist." 

Bill. If the exhaust got exhausted I would give it a 
drink. 

Supt. Well, you see I have this auto here which is to 



ON THE SIGHT-SEEING CAR 7 

take strangers around the city. I want one of you to run 
the machine and the other to stand on the back and explain 
to the strangers the points of interest as you go along, and I 
think you fellows will do first rate. By the way, do you 

know anything about {name of town where play is 

given) ? 

7? AN * i Oh, yes, we know all about this town. 

Dan. We used to sleep on the common (or name some 
park or public square). 

Supt. Well, let me see how much you know about it ? 
What is the principal street in ? 

Bill. {Names a small street.) 

Supt. What are some of the principal buildings ? 

Dan. {Names the best-knoivn jail.) 

Bill. {Names a police-station, jail, or amusement park.) 

Supt. Well, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll give you 
each two-fifty per day if you will run this car for me. 

Bill. No, sir ! Not us. We'll have you understand 
that we work for nothing but union wages, sir ; nothing but 
union wages. 

Supt. (aside). That's hard luck, but I must have some 
one to run the machine. (To Bill.) So you must have 
union wages, hey ? Well, how much will you work for ? 

Bill. We want $1.25 per day, and we won't work for a 
cent less ; not one cent less. 

Supt. All right; I'll give you each $1.25 per day. 

Bill (to Dan). See, I got your pay raised right away. 

Supt. Where do you fellows live ? 

Bill (to Dan). The man wants to know where you live 
at. 

Dan. He asked you where you lived. 

Bill. I live with you, wherever that is. 

Supt. (to Dan). Where do you live ? 

Dan. Oh, we live about ten miles out of town. 

Supt. As far as that ? 

Bill. Oh, it's further if you have to walk. 

Supt. You will have to move. I say, you'll have to 
move. 

Bill. Yes, that's what the landlord told us this morning. 

Supt. You see, your duties will compel you to be up at 
four o'clock in the morning. 

Dan. At four o'clock in the morning ? 



8 ON THE SIGHT-SEEING CAR 

Supt. Yes. 

Bill. What time do we go to bed ? 

Supt. At three. 

Dan. At three in the afternoon ? 

Supt. No, you idiot, at three in the morning. 

Bill. Go to bed at three, and get up at four ? 

Supt. Yes. 

Dan. The same day ? 

Supt. Yes, certainly. You have an hour to yourself. 

Bill. Oh, we do? Yes, that's all right. I didn't know 
we had that hour. Dan, we have a whole hour. 

Supt. Yes, you have an hour. 

Bill. I suppose if we wanted to use that hour you 
wouldn't find any fault ? 

Supt. Oh, no ; that hour belongs to you. However, if 
you wish to utilize that hour you might, just for a little 
gentle exercise, come around to my house and saw wood, or 
throw in coal. 

Bill. Or make benzine for the benzine buggy. 

Dan. Or wash off the car. 

Supt. I don't care. 

Bill. Well, you may have that hour ; I don't think we 
will get a chance to use it. 

Supt. When you get off your downy couches 

Bill. When we get down off our crutches ? 

Supt. When you rise from your beds 

Bill. Do we ever strike a bed ? 

Supt. When you get up at four o'clock, you take the 
car and run down-town with it. (Dan and Bill make a 
rush as though to exit, R. ) Hold on there ; where are you 
fellows going? 

Dan. Say, boss, my friend ain't strong enough for this 
job. 

Bill. My friend's feet's sore. He ain't strong enough 
to eat sirloin steak. We can't carry a car. 

Supt. You don't understand. You jump on your car at 
four o'clock in the morning. When you arrive at the end 
of the route 1 

Bill. We go up the tree. 

Supt. No, there's a branch, and you are allowed three 
minutes for breakfast. 

1 The word should be pronounced roote. 



ON THE SIGHT-SEEING CAR 9 

Bill. Oh, that's too much time, don't you think? I 
hate to waste time. 

Supt. You are also allowed three minutes for dinner, 
and three minutes for supper. Consequently you have one 
hour and nine minutes out of the twenty-four. 

Bill. Oh, that's time enough. I suppose you wouldn't 
have any objection if we brought our meals and ate them on 
the car ? 

Supt. Oh, no ; that's a good idea, and we will adopt it. 

Bill. Why couldn't we sleep on the car, and be there 
all the time ? 

Supt. Certainly, if you turned the cushions over. 

Dan. We'd have to, if we wanted to sleep. 

Supt. I'll give you each #1.25 per day. 

Bill. You mean real money ? 

Supt. Yes. 

Bill. We don't want any money. Just let us on the car. 

Dan. We only want to handle the money a little while. 
Just to see how it feels, that's all. 

Supt. Well, boys, what do you say ; will you take the 
situations ? 

Bill. We'll try them for a year, and at the end of that 
time if we don't like the jobs we'll quit. 

Supt. (to Bill). You'll be the chauffeur. 

Bill. He says I'm to be the shover. 

Dan. And I'm the pusher. 

Supt. No, you're to be the conductor. 

Dan. Then who'll do the pushing? 

Supt. Oh, the crowd will do the pushing. (To Bill.) 
You must run the car (and to Dan) and you must collect 
the money from the passengers. 

Bill. Good-day; I'm off. 

Supt. What's the matter now? 

Bill. If he collects the money I see where I don't get a 
cent. 

Supt. Oh, yes you will. You see, he collects the money 
and hands it over to me, and then I pay you your wages. 

Dan. You can pay Bill his wages, but never mind me. 
{Sings.) " I'll get mine, boys, I'll get mine." 

Supt. Now, boys, come here, and I'll give you your 
uniforms. 

(Gives Dan a very little coat y and Bill a very big one.) 



10 ON THE SIGHT-SEEING CAR 

Dan. Oh, what a cute little seamore coat. 

Bill. Well, we're in style, anyhow. Mine's a sheath 
gown. 

Supt. {to Bill). You will have to wear this. 

{Gives Bill a horse' s bonnet.) 

Bill (very indignant). Sir ! The idocity ! Do you 
realize that this is for a horse? 

Supt. Oh, that's all right. A jackass can wear it. 
Bill. Then why don't you put it on ? 
Supt. You must also wear these goggles. 

{Hands him goggles.) 

Bill. What's that? These gog-gog-les ? What's them 
for? 

Supt. You put them on your eyes. 

Bill. I can see all right. {Puts them on.) Say, mister, 
one of the windows is dirty. {Puts on bonnet.) 

Supt. Well, wash it. 

Dan {laughing at Bill). He ! He ! He ! Bill, you 
look just like a donkey. 

Supt. And this is for you. {Gives Dan a megaphone.) 
It's to talk through. {Shouts through it in Dan's ear. 
Dan very much frightened. Finally takes it from the Supt. 
and shouts through it. Uses it as a telescope.) Now before 
proceeding further in this business it will be requisite for 
you each to deposit ten dollars in the treasury of the com- 
pany. {Both start r., as though to exit.) What's the 
matter ? Haven't you got ten dollars ? 

Bill. Do we look as if we had ten dollars ? 

Dan. Do you suppose if we had ten dollars we'd be 
looking for work ? 

Bill. If we had ten dollars we'd be running our own 
auto. 

Supt. Oh, I see. You have been out of work so long 
that you are out of money. I'll advance you each ten dol- 
lars on your salaries. You will also set your watches by the 
clock in the church tower. {Both start r. again.) What's 
the matter now ? 

Bill {to Dan). Show up, Dan. 

Supt. What ! No watches ? 

Bill. We haven't been in the business long enough. 



ON THE SIGHT-SEEING CAR II 

Dan. Just give us a load of passengers and we'll have all 
those things. 

Supt. Well, I'll lend you boys a couple of watches. 
Here they are. 

(Gives them each a little tape measure in a case. Dan 
pulls it out and lets it run back into the case. Sings, 
1 ' He came right out and turned around and ran right 
back again.") 

Dan. Well, this is a mighty funny way to tell time — by 
inches. It's three-quarters of a yard past nine. 

Supt. Now, boys, you are all right. Here are your 
orders which I want strictly enforced. Don't allow any 
smoking on the car, and be sure and collect all the fares. 
No drunks, no bundles, no babies 

Bill. How about dogs ? 

Supt. Oh, dogs are all right. Now get on your jobs 
and let me have a good report of you when you come in 
to-night. 

(Exit Supt., l.) 

(Bill gets on front seat, and Dan gets on back of car with 
megaphone, and shouts, "All aboard for New York, 
Chelsea, Chicago, St. Louis, San Francisco.") 

Bill (very much excited). Hold on there, Dan, you're 

going too far ; this car only goes as far as (name of 

local place or near-by town). 

(They make believe to start the car. Great noise of yelping 
from under the car.) 

Dan (from back seat, using megaphone as telescope). 

What's all the noise, Bill? What's the trouble down there? 

Bill. Oh, nothing; I just ran over a sausage, that's all. 

(Enter Fat Lady, r., very gaily dressed. Dan and Bill 
rush after her.) 

Dan. She's mine ; I saw her first. 

Bill. No, she's mine; I'm running this car. 

Dan. I'm the conductor; I collect the fares. 

Bill. All right, you can have her, but the next one's 
mine. 



12 ON THE SIGHT-SEEING CAR 

(Fat Lady sits on bench near by. Dan goes over and sits 
beside her. She moves nearer to him.} 

Dan. You're looking lovely to-day. 
Fat Lady. Am I ? Flatterer ! 

{She moves nearer to him. Dan nearly crowded off bench. 
Bill peeks around edge of seat to watch them.) 

Dan. Yes. You're looking simply immense ! 

Fat Lady. Sir ! 

Dan {hastily). I mean, there's a great deal about you 
to admire. (Fat Lady looks pleased. She crowds up close 
to Dan, who is forced off the bench. He gets up limping.) 
Wouldn't you like to take a ride this morning? (He goes 
07i in the monotonous, mechanical tone of the professional 
guide.) We-will-show-you-all-the-sights of-this-great-city — 
its- palaces - its-busy-marts-of-trade — its-stately-avenues-and- 
pleasant- parks — its 

Fat Lady (gushingly). Oh, I'd just love to go. 

(She pushes forward to the automobile.) 

Dan. One moment, please. Allow me. 

(He takes tape measure from pocket. Bill comes down and 
takes out his tape measure. They measure the Fat Lady, 
then look at each other a fid shake their heads.) 

Bill (aside). It's no use. (Aloud.) Madam, do you 
want to go to-day, right away ? 

Fat Lady. Certainly ! 

Bill (draws out piece of paper, and writes on it). All 
right. (He hands Dan the paper.) Conductor, take this 
lady over to the freight department and put her in a car. 
There's your bill of lading. 

Fat Lady (indignantly). Freight ! 

Dan (reads from paper). Fragile. Handle carefully ! 

Fat Lady. Freight ! I suppose you want to put me on 
a cattle-car. Freight, indeed ! Well, I like that ! 

Bill. Conductor, the lady says she prefers a cattle-car. 

(Exit Fat Lady, indignantly, r. Bill and Dan run after 
her as though to call her back. They stand looking R.) 

(Enter Tramp, l. He is smoking a cigar. He climbs upon 



ON THE SIGHT-SEEING CAR 13 

the car and seats himself, still smoking. Bill and Dan 
turn and see him.) 

Dan. Hey there, you bum; you can't smoke on this 
car. (Tramp takes no notice ; goes on smoking.') Hey, 
Bill, here's a man smoking on the car. 

Bill. What? Smoking on this car ? The idocity ! Sir, 
you cannot smoke on this car. Throw that cigar away, 
immediately. 

(Tramp makes believe to throw cigar away. Both Bill 
and Dan make a rush for it.) 

Tramp {to Bill). Do you smoke? 

Bill. Yes. {Climbs on car.) 

Tramp. Here's a cigar. {Gives Bill a cigar. Dan 
holds his hand out for cigar. Tramp flicks some ashes on 
it. Dan makes believe to be burned.) Do you smoke? 

Dan. Sure ! {Climbs on car, expecting cigar.) 

Tramp. Well, here's a match. 

(Bill and Dan get down off car.) 

Bill. Give us a light, Dan. 
Dan. Yes, but — what do I get ? 
Bill. Butt — you can have the butt. 

(Dan lights match. Bill holds cigar. Dan lights cigar y 
which goes off with a bang. Tramp jumps down off car ; 
exit, l. Bill and Dan chase him toward l., then turn 
back to car.) 

{Enter Jew, l., carrying a cane, and wearing a long- tailed 
coat.) 

Jew. I vant to go to Salem Shtreet. 

(Dan and Bill turn and rush toward him as though think- 
ing he is the Tramp. They stop suddenly.) 

Dan. Oh, excuse me. Get right aboard. We'll take 
you to Jerusalem if you want to go there. 
Bill. You'd better get his fare first, Dan. 

{As the Jew steps on the car Bill rolls his coat tails upon 
his back, so that when he sits doivn and tries to lift his 
coat tails, he can't find them. He tries to reach them 



14 ON THE SIGHT-SEEING CAR 

with his hands, and even uses his cane. At last he 
locates them and sits down.) 

Dan. Fare, please. 
Jew. Vat sages du ? 

{Several sentences of Yiddish or what sounds like it may 
be put in here. The Jew at last gives Dan a transfer 
ticket.) 

Dan. This transfer is no good on this car. 

Jew. No goot on dis car ? A car is a car, ain'd it ? 

Dan. But tin's transfer is for a ride on the trolley cars. 

Jew {cheerfully). Oh, I don'd care. A car is a car, 
ain'd it ? It makes no difference to me. I'm villing to ride 
mit you. A car is a car. 

Dan {to Bill). This man has given me a transfer. 

Bill. What? A transfer? The idocity ! Put him off, 
Dan ; put him off. 

Jew. A car is a car, ain'd it ? Veil, I'll ride mit you ; 
I don'd care. 

Dan. See here, old man, this transfer is three days old. 
{To Bill.) Bill, this transfer is three days old. 

Bill. What ? Three days old ? The idocity ! Put him 
off the car. {To Jew.) What do you mean by giving my 
conductor a transfer three days old? {Rolling up sleeves.) 

Jew. I can't help it if the car is tree days behind time, 
can I ? A car is a car, dot's all. 

{Loud creaking sound tinder the car. Bill and Dan jump 
doiun to see what is the matter. Bill gets under the car 
and comes out with his face and hands covered with oil.) 

Bill. Hey there, Isaac, this car is not going to-day, so 
you had better get off. Take a trolley. 
Jew. Oh, all right. A car is a car. 

{Exit Jew, l.) 

{Enter Fair Lady, r. Bill and Dan both make a rush 
for her.) 

Dan. She's mine, Bill, I'm the conductor. 
Bill. Oh, no, she's mine, Dan, you had the last one. 
Ain't she sweet ? 

(Fair Lady gives Dan a very sour look.) 



ON THE SIGHT-SEEING CAR 15 

Dan. Oh, I don't know. All right, Bill, you can have 
her. 

Bill. Good-morning. We are offering some lovely pat- 
terns in automobile rides this morning. Can't I show you 
some ? 

Fair Lady. Why, I guess so. 

Bill. Right this way. Elevator to second floor. Un- 
usually fine weather we're having. (Assists Fair Lady into 
middle seat of car, and climbs into front seat. Dan gets 
into back seat.) All aboard. Here we go. 

(Pretends to start machine.) 

Dan. Fare, lady. 

Fair Lady. Oh, yes, all the boys say I'm fair, but you 
ought to see me when I'm dressed up. I have the sweetest 
little frock of pink voile, made directoire, cut quite decol- 
lete, you know, and trimmed with Valenciennes lace around 
the 

D an ( interrupting her by putting out hand). Fare, lad y ; 
I want money. 

Fair Lady. Oh, I'm so sorry, but I haven't any change. 

Dan (to Bill). Here's a lady who won't pay her fare. 

Bill. What? Won't pay her fare? What does she 
think I took her for? The idocity ! Lady, you must pay 
your fare. 

Fair Lady. All right ; but you boys must look the other 
way. 

(Takes money from her stocking.) 

Dan {calling out). On the right is (names local 

building) the greatest — etc., etc. 

Fair Lady. Stop the car, boys, here's where I get out. 

(Exit, r.) 

(Enter Farmer, l.) 

Farmer. Where's this car going ? 
Dan. It's not going ! It's standing still. 
Farmer (reads sign on car, (l Sight-Seeing Car' 1 ). 
What part of the city will I see? (Climbs aboard the car.) 
Dan. Any part you look at. 

(Dan puts out his hand for fare. Farmer shakes it.) 



l6 ON THE SIGHT-SEEING CAR 

Farmer. Oh, how d'ye do? 

Dan. Fare. 

Farmer. That's good. How's your ma? 

Dan. Fare. 

Farmer. That's good. How's all the rest of the folks ? 

Dan (to Bill). Bill, here's a rube who won't pay his 
fare. 

Bill. What? Won't pay his fare? Theidocity! Hey 
there, you rube, pay the conductor his fare or I'll throw 
you off. 

Farmer. All right, here it is. Why didn't you ask for 
it? Here's a ten dollar bill, and, by gum, I want my 
change. 

Dan {takes money). This car don't make any change, 
and we need the money. 

Farmer. By gum, I want my change, or I'll have the 
law on ye. 

Dan. Here, Bill, I've got ten dollars. {Tears it in 
halves.) Five for you and five for me. 

Farmer. By gum, I'll have the law on ye. Where's the 
perlice ? 

(Farmer exits l., looking for police.) 

Bill. We better get out of this right quick. 

{They climb on car, and Bill makes motions of starting in 
a hurry. There is a loud squeaking, creaking noise 
under car.) 

Dan. There, smarty, now you've done it. I'll bet 
you've jammed the carburetor into the differential calculus. 
Some people are so careless. (Bill climbs down, takes can- 
dle from car and lights it, and goes under car.) Hey, come 
away from that gasoline tank ! (Bill comes up, and leans 
over into car. He lights firecrackers and throws them into 
can.) Look out, there ! 

{As firecrackers explode, Dan and Bill jump high in air 
and fall flat.) 

{Enter Cripple on crutches, bandages on head, etc.) 

Bill (groans). Oh, my, it's Dan's ghost. He's dead, 
Dan is. It's his ghost. (Sees Dan sitting up.) Oh, Dan, 
there's your ghost. 



ON THE SIGHT-SEEING CAR 1 7 

Dan. Not on your life. (Gets up and grabs Cripple, 
rushing him toward car.) This way for the dead ones. 
All aboard lor the cemetery. Step lively, please. 

(Bill gets up on fro fit seat.) 

Bill. Well, well, don't take all day. You must be from 
{names town near by). Hey there, what's the mat- 



ter with you? 

Cripple. I'm a very sick man. 

Bill. Sick? You're dead, and you don't know it. 

Cripple. I was a big man once — weighed two hundred 
and fifty pounds. Now I only weigh fifty pounds. {Noises 
in the wings — calls and bells.) What's that noise I hear ? 

Bill. Oh, those are the angels calling you. How did 
you get so broken up? 

Cripple. 1 used to run that machine. {To Bill.) I 
had your job. 

Bill {frightened). Wh-what's that? 

Dan {laughing). Oh, Bill, you see what those careless, 
naughty ways of yours are going to do to you. 

Bill {to Cripple). Say, where's the man who had this 
job before you ? 

Cripple. Oh, he was smashed up. The automobile 
turned turtle. 

Dan (nervously). Say, wh-what became of the con- 
ductor? 

Cripple. Why, he was flattened out so thin he slipped 
into a crack of the pavement, and they never found him. 

Dan {to Cripple). There, run along. You make me 
so nervous. 

(Exit Cripple, r.) 
{Enter Supt., l., and comes to c. Dan is r., and Bill, l.) 

Supt. Well, how did you make out, boys? How many 
fares have you taken in ? 

Dan. How many passengers have we taken in? 

Supt. No; how much money have you taken in ? 

Dan (pretends to write on slate. Wets fingers and pre- 
tends to rub it out, then luriies again). About forty- two 
cents. 

Supt. What! about forty-two cents ? {To Bill.) How 
many passengers did you have? 



l8 ON THE SIGHT-SEEING CAR 

(Dan makes signs to Bill.) 

Bill. We had five passengers; no, four and a half; one 
was a cripple. 

Supt. And you have only taken in forty- two cents? 
This won't do. You must charge every person who gets on 
that car one dollar; do you hear, one dollar. And look 
here, remember this. Don't fail to charge yourself with a 
dollar every time you get on the car. 

Dan (with freezing politeness). Oh, certainly. Oh, 
I just remember, my wife needs me at home. 

Bill. Well, I guess I owe you about forty-'leven dollars 
already. 

Supt. Oh, that's all right; come along with me ; it's 
twelve o'clock, and you have three minutes to eat. Will 
you lunch with me? 

Dan v (rushing to him and squeezing up affectionately on 
Bill ) either side of him). Lunch ! Will I ? 



CURTAIN 




Practical Elocution 

By J. W. Shoemaker, A. M. 

300 pages 

Cloth, Leather Back, $1.25 

This work is the outgrowth of 
actual class-room experience, and 
is a practical, common-sense treat- 
ment of the whole subject. It is 
clear and concise, yet comprehen- 
sive, and is absolutely free from 
the entangling technicalities that are so frequently 
found in books of this class. 

Conversation, which is the basis of all true Elocu- 
tion, is regarded as embracing all the germs of 
speech and action. Prominent attention is therefore 
given to the cultivation of this the most common 
form of human expression. 

General principles and practical processes are pre- 
sented for the cultivation of strength, purity, and 
flexibility of Voice, for the improvement of distinct- 
ness and correctness in Articulation, and for the 
development of Soul power in delivery. 

The work includes a systematic treatment of Ges- 
ture in its several departments of position, facial 
expression, and bodily movement, a brief system of 
Gymnastics bearing upon vocal development and 
grace of movement, and also a chapter on Methods 
of Instruction, for teachers. 

Sold by all booksellers, or sent, prepaid, upon re- 
ceipt of price. 

The Penn Publishing Company 

923 Arch Street, Philadelphia 



The National School 
of Elocution and Oratory 

TEMPLE BUILDING, BROAD 
AND CHERRY STREETS 
PHILADELPHIA 



r T^HE first chartered School of Elocution in America. 

Thorough instruction in all branches of public 
reading, oratory, and dramatic art. 

Prepares teachers of elocution, literature and 
physical training. Its students and graduates occupy 
prominent positions in all parts of the world. 

By its instruction, weak voices are strengthened, 
bad voices made good, indistinct and faulty speech is 
corrected, awkwardness of manner is eliminated, con- 
fidence is gained, and character is developed. 

A faculty efficient and enthusiastic. A diploma 
that counts. Students helped to good positions. 

Glasses, day, evening, Saturday. Also private in- 
struction. Special classes for clergymen and profes- 
sional people. Illustrated catalogue for the asking. 

Mrs. J. W. Shoemaker 
George P. Bible, 

PRINCIPALS 



